It Hit Me Like A Slow Moving Train
Post grad life.
The optimism was extremely high graduating from my masters program. Out into the real world! So many possibilities, so many ideas, so many goals. I felt like I finally had time for everything I wanted to accomplish. The days quickly turned into weeks, which quickly turned into months, and now it's 2020. It seems as though time hit me like a slow moving train.
I knew that the transition from school to real life was going to be difficult. My transition from college to the real world was tough, and I had a feeling that this transition would be no different. But, I thought since I had planned ahead for this transition, I would be okay. I had goals, I had things I wanted to accomplish, I had a job! And yet, as I sat in my office, or on my couch, or in my bed, I would feel absolutely paralyzed. I went from being the busiest I've ever been in my life to having zero motivation, zero drive, and zero direction.
One of the most frustrating things was that my mentors continued to have complete confidence in my success. But it didn't feel like I was being successful at all. I wasn't doing anything except practicing enough to keep myself in shape and doing a little bit of teaching. None of my projects were being completed, or ever started. I would sit on the couch in the evenings watching TV because I was exhausted from doing...nothing. I couldn't understand how this could lead to success.
Over the past six months I was also faced with the exciting news blasts from what seemed like all of my musical peers. Suddenly it was like everyone I knew was doing great things, getting great opportunities, being successful. I would see posts on facebook and Instagram saying "Exciting News! All my dreams just came true!" And here I was doing...nothing.
While comparing yourself with others does no help, when you feel paralyzed with a lack of motivation, you can't help but compare yourself with others. And it sucks. I not only felt guilty about not starting anything I had wanted to accomplish but I just felt like a fraud and I felt inadequate overall. It sucked.
So here we are. I've been hit by a slow moving train and it seems as though I have survived. All the ideas, projects, goals, and hopes of completing them all are still here. Call it lame, but it seems as though the new year (and probably a holiday vacation away from my flute) has brought renewed sense of motivation. I feel the ambition and the desire to continue moving forward. But, baby steps, of course. This first goal with this new found energy is to start being kinder to myself. To quiet the self-deprecating comments about my playing, to practice because I love it, not to only get better, and to take time for myself without feeling guilty for not practicing. It seems like right now I'm able to put a little more distance between myself and that slow moving train.